"I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice... [Your children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it."--Pat Robertson (Christian terrorist), "The 700 Club," 10/29/82

Last year the Maggot Punks took you to Valley Center to experience The Judgement House, a Christianized version of the haunted house. Rather than dwell in a land of make believe like level headed people this trip down fundamentalist ideology teaches people that demons are real and heaven smells like cinammon. This year Spunkyflasher, Mr. Zero and D-cubed made the trip to the temple of greed, Messiah Baptist Church.

This years theme incorporated nationalism, patriotism and of course religious extremism. The storyline was slightly different than years past only in the fact they included one more person to go to hell. One kid makes the choice for Jesus, one Christian wasn't a fundy Christian, and one person was an Atheist. Let's try not to spoil the ending now as who knows what a creative fundamentalist scriptwriter can come up with. Who am I kidding, you already know the ending.

Two kids, who gives a fuck what their names are, I'll call the Rod and Todd after the Simpson's characters, pray to Jesus. Both are little children and Todd accepts Jesus for the first time (he's the fundy Christian). Later on we met Derek who is dragged right from a Jack Chick tract and plays the stereotypical angry, hate-filled, violent Atheist. Amy plays the Christian who hasn't given her life to Jesus but just plays a good person who donates to charity

and does a lot of good deeds. At military recruitment day in school Rod and Todd talk about how great it would be to wear uniforms and screw nurses. Don't worry, they accepted Jesus so committing adultery is okay. All the suckers join the military and being in George Bush America get sent to war right after bootcamp. Going to war and killing people wasn't a problem with Rod and Todd. As they told Derek God understands being a forgiving, peace loving Chrisitan and blowing the shit out of the infidels who are your enemy. Hey, if bombing campaigns against third world countries is good enough for Jesus then it's good enough for us. An end to major combat operations is declared by some stoned chimp in a flight suit and a few minutes later the three characters die. Of course the fundy is more than happy to die because fundies are scared of living.

We get to the Judgement Room where God plays a desk clerk reading

from a rather small book (it's small when you think that the book is supposed to hold all the names of the people going to heaven. A book is nice when God doesn't have nearly as good of a memory as Santa Claus). Todd goes straight to heaven, what a lucky guy. Derek, angry as always, goes right to hell, Amy begs but gets sent to hell because being a good person means nothing to god, but being a sex crazed fundy slut is acceptable. Amy's actions were good but because she never ACCEPTED Jesus she ends up in hell. The message that we got was that not only do you have to act like a fundy, you must think like one also in order to get to heaven.

First we go to hell. The fog machine was going overtime and irritated Spunky's skin. We'd like to sue but being such a huge rich church they'll say they need all the money for the charity work they plan on doing some day. I thought the costumes were better this year, especially the demon wearing the striped polo shirt and cowboy hat. Sheesh, all the other demons were wearing black robes and this dumbfuck couldn't find enough time to get some black fabric. He accepted Jesus though so committing the sin of sloth won't deter him from heaven. Satan is so happy that so many people are going to hell. The reason they are going is because in America prayer has been taken out of school (this makes kids in South Africa go to hell to). For some reason fundies have it in their head that the only acceptable time to pray and accept Jesus is in the public school classroom, and forced classroom prayer is just as good as a heartfelt prayer. How are the kids at Messiah Baptist going to go to heaven without prayer in school? Yes, fundies are this stupid.

The devil was quite amusing. Despite being God's arch enemy he plays the task of employee quite well torturing people on God's behalf. If he really hated God he'd make hell into a posh resort thus defying God's wishes. Well it did look like an orgy with the hellbound characters writhing on the floor moaning. Maybe it's torture because hell is filled with premature ejaculation and small penises while heaven is filled with all the big dicks.

Then we go to heaven. If white isn't your color then heaven isn't for you, but if you like being a male cross dresser then they have a spot open. The streets of heaven are paved with gold, just like Billy Graham predicted. All that money that you donated to church went to reconstruction projects in heaven because God loves that shiny metal, that greedy bitch. Heaven smells like cinammon which is better than the Brut aftershave smell of hell. First thing you notice is heaven is filled with a lot of women. Jesus must be quite the player, of course there was one guy so maybe Jesus has a little freak in him. It all comes clear when you notice that Jesus wears pantyhose. Sure enough, when Jesus was going around telling all the underage girls how much he loves them and wants them to shack up at his pad Spunky noticed that he was wearing pantyhose. No idea if they were knee highs or full length. We tried not to bust out laughing when Jesus was giving us his bullshit line. God help me, this place was pathetic. Oh yeah, Mr. Zero told Jesus he loved him too. He is sooooo going to heaven.

Right after heaven we go back to hell, no rather it's the counselor room. The preacher Dick, I don't know if that was his name just giving a close description, told us how God isn't above petty insults and thinks all non-believers are fools. Yup, if you don't believe in some contradictory, poorly written book written by a bunch of sheepfuckers 1500 years ago who thought the world was flat then you are a fool. On the other hand if you thought Judgement House was a convincing way to bring non-believers to Jesus then you must be a really smart guy. That's how things work in fundy world. So Dick told everyone to bow their heads and not look around. Of course the Maggot Punks did exactly the opposite. The counselor begged anyone to raise their hand so they can go with another counselor to accept Jesus. Anyone who was moved by the story, raise your hand. Anyone who thought of a relative who died, raise your hand. Anyone who bought a lottery ticket and didn't win the Powerball, raise your hand. If you have ever thought roadkill was good food going to waste, you might be a redneck, and please...raise your hand. Nobody did, so Dick continued and told everyone to repeat the prayer he was going to say because speaking your own heartfelt prayer to God isn't good enough unless you are a self-deluded fundy. At least he admitted that the Maggot Punks were "Too cool for Sunday school."

Fun recordings of a very unfun event. How we suffer to provide you entertainment:

The battle scene where the characters die. Todd is so happy to die for his god so he can go to heaven, just like a Christian version of some Taliban nutball.

The hell scene where Satan and polo-shirt wearing demons dwell.

Bad recording of the counselor room (the true hell).

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