My car runs on coal (1 minutes 42 seconds 1.23MB)

Dig Doug Deeper (DDD): The study has already been flawed.
Fred Phelps, Jr (FPJ): No... no it hasn't. Tell me about polonium haloes, go ahead.
DDD: That they are often confused with radium isotopes.
FPJ: No, No, explain polonium haloes to me.
DDD: I already know what you're talking about.
FPJ: Right, right.
DDD: Because you stupid creationists keep using that and you already have plenty of evidence that proves your wrong.
FPJ: Really? Like What? Like What?
DDD: First of all the speed of light.
FPJ: The speed of light? Ok.
DDD: Like we wouldn't be getting light from stars...
FPJ: [inaudible]
Spunky Flasher (SF): 186,400 miles per second, right?
FPJ: [inaudible] sure thing
DDD: Do you have evidence for that?
FPJ: So like when...yeah actually.
DDD: Let's hear it.
[Inaudible garbage from all 3]
FPJ: it was formed because of the polonium haloes in the bedrock in the earth. Because they're there and because of their half life, which is very short, which you know. Those polonium haloes are proof that the earth was created instantly. Not as a ball of gas that somehow coalesced [inaudible].
DDD: So what did you put in your car to get her today?
FPJ: What did I put in my car? Sand.

DDD: Really?
FPJ: Yeah, my car runs on sand.
DDD: You're really that stupid?
FPJ: My car runs on sand.
DDD: You're really that stupid, huh? You can't even discuss [inaudible] because we know you're lying.
FPJ: Actually we have these holes in the bottom where we run our feet like Fred Flintstone. What kind of stupid question is that? Stick on topic, huh?
DDD: Yeah, I am. I'm talking about the age of earth right here.
FPJ: OK, go ahead.
DDD: How do you think that oil formed?
FPJ: The oil... actually ... there is oil forming ... coal ... like in the very first stages ... like in the everglades [and] places like that. Did you know that?
DDD: you don't put coal in your car. Keep on trying.
FPJ: Do you know how much pressure is exerted when there is ... um ... like literally an ocean of water ... [inaudible]
DDD: I'm just trying to get you to answer the question here.
FPJ: When there's water...
DDD: You don't put coal in your car.

The Self Creating Rock (45 seconds 530kb)

FPJ: Does a rock create itself or does it have to be created? A Rock
DDD: I think rocks have been around for quite some time, haven't they?
FPJ: Even if a rock has been around for 6 billion years, how does it get here? Does it create itself or does it have to be created?
DDD: Neither
Clam Digger: [laughs because she thinks Fred really put one over on DDD].
FPJ: Neither?
DDD: The rock doesn't go 'I think I'm gonna become a rock today.'
FPJ: That's what ... that's what your group says.
DDD: Oh, really?
FPJ: There's this law that says matter can be neither created or destroyed and then your group comes along and says 'oh yes it can. We defy all basic laws of...
DDD: Why don't you finish the second law of thermodynamics not just do little excerpts out of it. Do you know the difference between a closed and open system?
FPJ: Oh ... No ... what's that?
DDD: I didn't figure you did.
SF: This is getting really boring.

The Amazing Ability to Detect VD Without a Medical Examination (46 seconds 551kb)

FPJ: What stupid slut does he love?
Mr Zero (MZ): He doesn't love her?
SF: He loves all his children, So ...
FPJ: No, no, no he doesn't love stupid sluts. No, no
Betti Wannabang (BW): Where in the bible does it say that god does not love stupid sluts?
FPJ: It says specifically in the 10 commandments 'I hate stupid sluts.' It says it in the 10 commandments.
BW: [inaudible]
MZ: Let's see, I am the lord thy god, I am a jealous god, you shall have no other strange gods before me...
BW: [inaudible]
FPJ: We couldn't let you in though 'cause you got VD all over you. You nasty. We gonna all have to put on, like body condoms.
MZ: How do you know she has VD? Did you examine her?
FPJ: Uh ... you can just tell.
DDD: This, from a virgin.
FPJ: Yeah, actually
MZ: [inaudible]
SF: Can I use your [inaudible]
BW: I have VD
FPJ: Can't you tell?
SF: Yeah!

We're only making it worse (7 seconds 90kb)

FPJ: The more evil things that you do, the worse in hell it will be for you.
MZ: [inaudible]
FPJ: So if I can get you to do some more evil things then it will be worse in hell for you.

Does He or Does He Not Read Japanese? (50 seconds 590kb)

FPJ: What does your hat say?
MZ: You don't read Japanese?
FPJ: I do, I'm just curious if you do.
MZ: Well, you should know what it says right?
FPJ: I'm just wondering if you know.
MZ: I'm wondering if you know.
FPJ: I just told you
MZ: So what is it
DDD: He has the hat and so he obviously doesn't know what it means
FPJ: I'm zipping my lips ...
MZ: So you don't read Japanese
FPJ: No
MZ: So you lied ... again.
FPJ: No, I don't lie.
MZ: You just said ...
FPJ: No
MZ: You just said ... I said 'don't you read Japanese?' and you said 'yeah'. Don't Stop [to patient]. OK wait a second. I said don't you read Japanese and you said 'yeah, I was wondering if you do.' And I said 'so you don't read Japanese and you said 'no'. I said 'you don't read Japanese so you lied'.

Randy is now a stupid Nazi (23 seconds 276kb)

MZ: Hey Randy! Do you like us guys?
Randy Richardson (RR): What?
MZ: Do you like us guys?
RR: Your all right.
FPJ: All right?
SF: Oh, come on!
RR: Your not gonna get any better than that.
FPJ: Your not a stupid Nazi too, are you? You like these guys?
RR: Well, they're people.
FPJ: People? Meaning?
RR: Meaning that you have an obligation to [inaudible] the gospel, to try to convert them.

God didn't say to love everyone (13 seconds 155kb)

FPJ: That would make me not included, right?
Police officer (PO): The Christian thing to do is to like everybody, isn't it?
FPJ: No
PO: Its not?
FPJ: No, do you have a bible at home?
PO: I have one in my car.
FPJ: In your car?
PO: Yup.
FPJ: Can you show me the verse where it says 'love everybody'?

FPJ Has a Desire to Hate Us! (5 seconds 66kb)

MZ: Is it your duty, as a Christian, to hate us?
FPJ: Duty? Umm ... Its my desire

The Expert on Hitler (10 seconds 123kb)

MZ: What was the name of the book that Adolph Hitler wrote? Mr Nazi expert?
FPJ: MMM ... Pivot of Civilization? Was that it?
MZ: No
DDD: That wasn't it.

The Nazi Expert (12 seconds 147kb)

MZ: The name of the book that Hitler wrote. If you know it [inaudible]
FPJ: I don't know anything about Nazi's. OK? OK I admit it.
MZ: [to FPJ's friend] Do you know what the name of the book ... can you just say it?
FPJ's Friend (FPJF): Mien Kompf

My Struggle - to Understand Willful Ignorance (7 seconds 89kb)

MZ: So you don't know, is that what you're telling me?
FPJ: No I don't know. I have no idea what the name of Adolph Hitler's book is.

Hokked on Fonix (17 seconds 217kb)

Rex: Do you know what eugenics is?
FPJ: Nah, how do you spell that?
Rex: That was...
FPJ: How do you spell that?
Rex: That was...
FPJ: How do you spell that?
Rex: That was...
FPJ: How do you spell that?
Rex: That was...
FPJ: How do you spell that?
Rex: That was...
FPJ: How do you spell that?
Rex: E U
FPJ: No, E makes E. Y makes Ya.
Rex: ...
FPJ: C'mon.

The following clips do not have transcripts with them. We will not dignify these words by typing them out (and that's pretty sad considering who "we" is).

Spell Eugenics (17 seconds 208kb)
FPJ Was Appointed (25 seconds 298kb)
FPJ Prefoms A Miracle! (11 seconds 45kb)
Too Many Questions (28 seconds 335kb)
Anatomy Lesson From The Ignorant (16 seconds 194kb)